Cherish Each Memory

I've been thinking a lot about my mom, this holiday season. It's still unthinkable--in my heart and mind--to realize she's been gone over two years, now. And each passing holiday, I understand the sadness on peoples' faces, because my face expresses that sorrow, as well.

 So it's hard to understand how my feelings can go from sorrow to happiness, from dark to light, but I think it's because I'll always associate important occasions with mom being happy. So, in my memories, she will always be full of life, cooking and smiling. And so, if only for a moment, we're gathered again around a table and moms laughter rings out--over everyone else's--because she's that happy to be surrounded by family and friends.

And now, it's bittersweet, the regret that I feel because I did not share moms joy about the holidays. I dreaded the extra cooking, hectic last minute preparations, but mom truly loved the holidays and her eyes would glow with happiness. And now, I wish I could do that cooking and work with her. I wish I could hear her ask how I'm doing, or have her ask me to help her make a meal. How I miss the sound of our big family gatherings, from  years ago, but time, life changed the memories that were so important.

So be sure to show your family and friends love and appreciation. Cherish each memory as if your taking a mental picture, because these snapshots will last a lifetime. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everyone.

Kid Of Long Ago

I was walking down the driveway, after leaving mom and dad's house today, when I saw this man. He was on the other side of our property, going back and forth on a cable rope swing, free and happy as a kid. Untroubled by the burdens of adulthood and responsibility that can bog us down, so often, when we're grown.

He didn't notice me, at first, but quickly got on a bobcat and started clearing the land again, when he saw me observing him.  Even though I know I really had no right, as this land's recently been sold, I still feel the pull of this land, which had been in our family for as long as I can remember. It really bothered me as I watched him knock down and destroy things, for many of these things had been a part of my childhood. For that reason the land still murmurs to me, speaking of family history and ghosts of the past. This will quieten soon though, swallowed up by time and new ownership.

The land continues to call mournfully, as this man goes happily about his business of destroying all, that I now see, I had foolishly taken for granted. There on that tree he just knocked down, I shared laughter with my five year old brother.  We're swinging again on that wooden box swing, made by my dad, so long ago. Here again, we giggle as daddy pushed us high above, high enough to reach the treetops.

The bobcat buckets next push, takes away the memory of my moms laughter, as she watched my brother and I swing past, high enough to touch the sky. We'd scream happily on the way up and going back down I'd hear moms laughter as she joined in our merriment.

We'd stop for a time, then, turning in slow circles, knot up the cable, just for the swing to unwind in whirling circles, crossing our eyes and ripping screams of pure delight from our opened mouths. We'd do this several times, ignoring moms warning about us having to throw up, for that wouldn't happen to know it all kids, like my brother and I were.

I'm no longer that Kid Of Long Ago. I'm no longer that innocent who looked towards her mom and dad for all things.  I am an adult, with adult responsibilities. So many times I have to look to my own daughter to be able to experience her childlike joy in life. And once in awhile, in my dreams, my imagination takes me again to that land next door,where I'm again that Kid Of Long Ago.

What saddens me is that I didn't realize just how important that property was to me, until today.  I didn't realize how much I associated my emotions and memories with that land.  Especially since I'll never experience those things again, nor can I talk to mom about the past, as she's no longer here with me.

It's not enough to know that only time and old age can take all my memories away completely.  And hopefully senility won't take those memories away too.  So, I really have to hang on to the few things I have left, that can still give me those memories of that Kid Of Long Ago.  That's the family that shared those experiences, like my dad and brother, and the many pictures my mom took of things, throughout the years.

Depends On How You See It

Playful ribbons entangle her fingers and fragrant flowers engulf her in a wave of love.  Crystal drops splash down her face, but radiant smiles deny that she feels any sadness.  Hugs make me feel I've given a ticket to the lottery, though they were but mere flowers.  "Don't give me flowers when I'm gone, give them to me now when I can enjoy them." whispers to me from the past.  I smile-at these memories- as I place a glass vase of roses at the headstone of my mom's grave today. 

She can no longer smile, she can no longer show me the love she felt, but her love lives on in my heart, in my memories.  Today, over four months since mom died, and I can only leave a symbol of my love, for nothing else can be done.  But I know if she's looking down on me, mom's smiling.   For Valentine's Day-the day of love and being loved- meant so much to her.

There are many forms of love, a mom's love, a child's love, love between husband and wife, to girlfriend and boyfriend.  But which love is greater?  Is there such a thing as a greater love?  I guess that depends on how you see it. 

Are you a mom who loves your children more than anything?  Then that love started before they were born, growing greater as the years go by, and you'd do anything to bring them happiness. And heaven help the person that tried to harm our kids, for a mommy bear coudn't match the protective anger we'd show.

How about the love a child feels for their mom?  That starts from the first time a baby tracks their mom with their eyes and continues even as they grow older and start forming their own brand of independence.  Even as a child will say "No I don't want to hold your hand" they will also look back to see if your following.  They will always turn to you for answers, and you will always hold a special place in their heart, even when they move on and have a family of their own.

The husband and wife- if it is the marriage of a lifetime- look too, to each other for everything.  They share special looks, thoughts, complete each other sentences, and if one passes before the other, they spend those last few years lost, for it is impossible to function without ones' other half.  For that half-is an extension of themselves, and without that other half, they, like most things in nature, whither away and eventually die.

Then lastly, we have the boyfriend and girlfriend.  Is there anything more special than first love?  That love where you feel like crying when they go home. When you count the seconds until you see them again. That torment, that tiny form of dying, if they move on and meet someone new? This is probably-first love-the most wonderful, exciting and yet painful, if things go wrong.

 So is any one love more important than the other?  One more special than the other?  Again, I guess that depends on how you see it. But all love, all expressions are just as important and true love is how we each see it and that's all that matters.

So in conclusion love your family, and those that are special- for each person- is a memory for our hearts and these memories will last a lifetime.  And they're memories that can never, ever be taken for granted.

 I nod -at these last thoughts- and turn to leave mom's headstone to go home.  I can still see her smiling face, her fingers tangled in the ribbon, and her head bent over the roses. It's not enough but it's what I have.

Family Dynamics

I tried to think if dynamics was the word I wanted to use for what I thought about my family and the things we've been going through lately.  Dynamics actually means-energetic, active, potent, powerful, lively, spirited-among other things and I thought, yes, this is what I want to use.

Because the family, is the lively, spirited part of us that keeps us going in times of sorrow, they are there for guidance and support and to love us in all that we go through in life.  Like that movie "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly". They see us when we smile, laugh and cry.  They are there when we act up, go through our rebellious years, and the years when we -for whatever reason- think we are fine if they are not ever-present in our lives.

I've often wondered-as our family is a small unit-what it's like to have a big family?  One where they have big gatherings every year and family comes from hours away, to play games, eat a family feast, and laugh and chat about things that have happened- since they last saw each other.

I've never had that.  So I am often curious about that.  We had the big Thanksgiving dinners but with time people passed away, got divorced until our unit became small-about 15 people for Thanksgiving dinners each year.  And now with the passing of my mom, one less.

So I guess- in a way- I wonder how can there can be unrest in a family, when family is so important?  What happens where families fall apart?  What happens where a person feels so alone that he or she cannot turn to their family for help in times of need?  Of course I do understand all families are not close for whatever reason.  And that being the case, maybe a member of the family -that's maybe drifted away- might feel they cannot come back into the fold- if they need help.

So all my thoughts come back round to the same thing after thinking about this a bit.  Families, big, small, or hardly there at all are all just as important.  For each family member is the glue that keeps the family unit together. We need that family dynamic like we need the air to breath, the water to drink, and sleep to be restored.  So go hug a family member today for they are-one could say-our energy, our power and our spirit.