How Much It Mattered

I didn't realize, HOW MUCH IT MATTERED--my writing--until I thought my imagination, the need to write, was gone for good. This upset me, so much, though I would not have thought that back in 2010, when I first started this blog(a personal journal)--two months after mom passed away. At that time, it had been an outlet, a way to keep memories of my mom and my childhood alive.

It helped so much, this journal, because in time I could remember mom and laugh, not cry. I could write, create, using an imagination learned by watching my moms pure joy in life. Through this process, unbearable grief became acceptance, acceptance became happiness that she had earned much needed peace and a place in heaven.

It's then, I think, that something happened with that acceptance. I found the imagination, the words I needed so much for inner peace--seemed to have disappeared. I'd stare blankly at the screen--but nothing...nothing was there. So one day, a magical thing happened. My words, my creativity that helped push sadness away, were back!

Through this metamorphosis, I left my dream of graphic design and thoughts of finishing school behind. Instead, I focused on my new goal--which I had discovered--screenwriting. It was a leap of faith, a scary process, but through this growth, my fascination with using one's imagination and the freedom that brought, blossomed!

Then my father passed away February 4, 2013. The sorrow, as I found my dad, after he had passed, was unbearable. Again, as with mom, I turned to writing for solace. And as had been the case, after moms death, again my mind went blank. Again, I realized, just how much it mattered. How much I needed the words to express, to let go of grief.

During this time, nothing helped, as the words were just--GONE. Movies, which I love so much, did not help. My blog--and much apologies to readers--could not keep my mind occupied. For here too, I could think of nothing. The page here, was as blank as the one on my computer. The cursor, blinked and mocked me, just as much.

I am so happy to say that I've started my writing journey again and it has brought me so much joy. Please, any out there who have suffered a loss, as well--try writing in a journal. As each word touches computer screen, paper etc., you'll feel free. Here, your heart and mind can meet, become one. And it is then, each journey, each realization, will bring you the peace you need inside.

To Relive That Magic

The kids scream in excitement, pushy as any adult can be.  Eyes shine, as bright as new pennies, as they gaze in wonder at all they see around them. I am shiny eyed and filled with awe too- but I'm a bigger kid.  I'm 17 years old and I am visiting- for the first time- a very magical place.  The place of dreams that come true.  The place that makes kids young and old alike look at the world in a new way.  This wonderful place that I got the chance to see was Disney World. http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/

It's been twenty-eight years but I can can still see the park like it was yesterday.  People -like an explosion of humanity- fill the park from the early morning hours until closing time each night.  Smiles fill each face, all the problems,all the reasons to be an adult, have disappeared.  Adults and kids hold hands tightly, and eyes big as saucers take in all the colors and smells of popcorn, cotton candy, hot dogs, drinks, and wondrous treasures, a different kind of bling- on every corner.

Of course, a lot has changed in the years since I've been there, but my memories are as real to me as if I'd just left the park.  It's "A Small World" still rings in my head, and I can recall those chirpy words, on a continuous loop, like it was yesterday.  I can still see feet dangling off of a ledge-pirates no less-before we go under an archway-on our boat ride-and breathlessly wait for the next adventure they have in store for us.

I still have the photos of that magical time with my mom.  I am probably the most care-free that I can remember-in those pictures.  I look young, happy, and life still has many possibilities in store for me.  I remember that night mom and I -and the folks that were with us on that bus tour-lined up outside of a Burger King and waited to order at an outside window-for bus tours, such as ourselves.

The wind was just right, blowing my hair which tickled the side of my face. It is the perfect weather in my mind, and a temperature that would be fantastic anywhere, year round.  The automobiles-are a background humming noise, they are so unobtrusive, and the murmur of the other people in our group-to this day- remains a pleasant background music in my mind.

My mom and I went on many tours-over the years-but this memory, as a teenager- remains one of my favorites. So it's no wonder I found- in a search- that Disney world was one of the top attractions for kids to visit in Orlando, Florida. http://travelwithkids.about.com/  

This memory was special, in many ways, but I remember too-my mom and I are at our closest-no disagreeing, which was something, as I was a teenager at the time.  We are the most relaxed.  And our inner child, that  longs for no responsibilities, and the ability to let our imaginations go where they wanted to, was alive and well.

It was my mom's dream -long ago- to take my daughter to Disney World, and it's a dream I hope to make come true, because to relive that magic -of that day with mom- and to make new memories with my daughter would truly be special.   So to Disney World I tip my hat and say "Thank you".