As We Go Through Life

As we go through life, there are often people that will effect us in some special way. These people may be in our lives from the time we're little, like family.  Or they may be the neighbor, teacher, or friend that's been there for you as long as you can remember, listening when your down or worried.That person that I always turned to, that was always there for me, that got mad at others she thought had done me wrong, was my mom. 

So the upcoming date, the 15th of October will be a terrible blow to me, once more.  It is on this date that my mom passed away over one year ago. I feel such an emptiness inside.  A place that's hurt and never heals. That loss, her no longer being there for me, has not grown any easier and never will. She was my champion, always there for me, as well as my family, her friends, and the many clients she'd had for over twenty years.

But even though I feel so alone, there are times when I still feel her presence.  And  I feel sure, if she's looking down on me, that she would be saying, "Good job I knew you could do it" especially if she's seen the progression of my writing. I know she would have been proud of my chapters that are online at http://www.chainbooks.com/  and of the book I'm currently writing, as well.

There are some changes people have to accept in life.  Getting old, gaining weight, going bald, and having the inevitable sagging of skin. But one of the things in life that can never be accepted, with change, is the loss of a loved one. I so miss my champion and wonderful mom who believed in her family unconditionally.On this day of loss- this coming Saturday- sadness will devastate me once more, for on this day moms love and enduring spirit was extinguished for good.

She's Gone, Move On

Sometimes I feel better and other days the passing of my mom hits me all over again.  It's taken baby steps just to realize that she will no longer be a part of my life.  In my heart she still lives, and in my heart she will remain, so when someone told me the other day, "She's gone, move on", I think, how is it possible to be so cavalier about this? We can't just rip out what we felt about that person,they will always be a part of our life, our heart, our very soul.

Of course, I realize that each person in life sees the grieving process and the ability to move on in different ways, some move on with life at a pace that might shock others, others continue those deeds-started by their lost loved ones-, to continue bringing happiness to others, and others still remain in a state of stasis, a kind of suspended animation, if you will, until the world seems to kick back into gear again for them.

So in many ways -I guess you could say- I've remained in suspended animation.  Oh I've continued with the day to day things, I've continued cleaning, cooking, homeschooling, socializing, my schooling, as well as writing, but the real me inside, the one that used to joke, give advice and worry about others-well that part seems to be out for an unknown length of time.

So, we each have to deal with death in our own way, but I don't think those that can move on so quickly, should expect those-still continuing to hurt-to move on at the same pace.  We can no more rip out the pain we feel inside-at a moment's notice- than the sky can be lowered if we want to see the stars more clearly in the night time sky. It's just impossible. And besides, our loved one, so real in life, can't be made so forgettable, to others, just because they think we should have moved on by now.  Never should we hear, "She's gone, move on."

So, in closing, I know life will go on for us, but each-dealing with death- in our own way. We, each, just continue on living like the mountains, strong and ever present, just in that little ledge on the mountain-we carry, in our heart-the memories, and the laughter, and the very echoes of  that loved one-that will always hold a special place in our lives. This we never have to get over and move on with, this we keep close and always cherish.

Dedicate this to..

Day blends into night, night into day. The color is drained from all things around us.  Nothing matters.  Nothing.  What is this that is so debilitating that we can hardly function?  It is the devastating loss of a loved one.  Nothing can replace that loved one and nothing ever will.  So I know others-such as myself- have felt and will feel this loss for years to come.

But I know that the holidays will be the hardest for us to face in the months and years go come.  As this holiday blindsided me with pain I thought of others such as myself that are feeling the pain of the Christmas season.  I dedicate this blog today to you all.  May you know that you are not alone.  May we all bond in this common thing-the loss of our loved ones-today.

I dedicate this blog today-this Christmas holiday season-to the memory of my mom and to all of you who are dealing with the pain of the loss of your loved ones too.

May we not feel so bereaved today, may we feel the bond of others who share the loss of pain too.

On this day we are not alone.  On this day let us gather together-united as one.