In The Blink Of An Eye

 My daughter reached a mid-way point in her life, yesterday.  She is no longer a child, but not yet an adult. It was a hard transition for me, though I should have seen it coming. I should have been prepared, as there was no stopping a birthday that was coming faster than a runaway locomotive. My daughter was excited, for days, about the coming of a birthday that was taking her toward adulthood. But I was dragging my feet as if trying to ward off bad news.

Last Friday, I guess I was dealing with it better because I got her her first, official trendy haircut.  More like a teenager, less like my baby girl.  She left the hair salon with short pieces, framing her face and pretty curls throughout the length, in the back.

I was so proud of her, and yet so sad.  My daughter's growing up. And someday, as with all kids, she'll spread her wings and fly.  High across the sky, drifting where the wind carries her.  Maybe towards college,  or with a husband to start a new home, or even to follow his or her career to a state far away.

I know she will go down the same path I did, as she becomes a teen, for it's each person's right to choose a path that makes us understand and grow. She will probably, as a pre-teen, wish for a car, and freedom to see her friends and go to the mall.  Then with a car, she will wish for a place of her own, and more freedom. Then college or a husband to complete the great circle of life, for that time of her life.

 And eventually, she will learn, that life is not always so much fun when responsibility comes our way. Such as myself, when I had my first home and was making four dollars and twenty five cents and hour, with no insurance, and could hardly pay my bills.  I quickly realized mom and the security and safety of my childhood home, filled with love and wisdom did not look so bad after all.

So I know my daughter will face a plethora of choices, as she goes through these changes, we all must face.  She will become a pre-teen, a teen and eventually a young lady.  And through all these changes she will roll her eyes at me, as I did mom.  She will talk back to her old mom, as I did mine, as well.  But even though I understand, she will be exerting her independence, it will be hard, as I know it was for my own mom.

And in time she will want to be with her friends, as mom, will be boring, and life out there will be so much more fun, as I guess I did with my mom as well. So what's coming for me?  A young girl, who will have a mind of her own, who will want to prove she doesn't need her mom.  Who will have to experience, so many things, before she understands what her old mom's nagging, through the years, was all about.

She will learn that life can be painful, that not all friends are what they appear to be, that that was not really true love, that money really can slip through your fingers, that we really do have to budget money and pay our bills first.

Someday, she, like I myself, will understand what a mom's worry is all about.  She will have her own child, and from the moment it's born she will try keep that child safe.  She will start by doing all for the baby.  Then the baby will become a toddler,who doesn't need anything. A little girl, who needs mom after all. A pre-teen- again- who doesn't need mom, as she's such a worrier.  A teen who think moms embarrassing. And finally an adult, who forgets mom for periods of time, life's so busy.

 And as life settles down, this child, who became a woman, will face the passage of time and the trials of raising her own child. And she will automatically look towards her own mom, for she knows nowhere else will she find better guidance, as grandma's already been down that same road. She will look towards her mom, not with rolling eyes, but seeking wisdom as she deals with her own child who, will too, grow up in the blink of an eye.

Kid Of Long Ago

I was walking down the driveway, after leaving mom and dad's house today, when I saw this man. He was on the other side of our property, going back and forth on a cable rope swing, free and happy as a kid. Untroubled by the burdens of adulthood and responsibility that can bog us down, so often, when we're grown.

He didn't notice me, at first, but quickly got on a bobcat and started clearing the land again, when he saw me observing him.  Even though I know I really had no right, as this land's recently been sold, I still feel the pull of this land, which had been in our family for as long as I can remember. It really bothered me as I watched him knock down and destroy things, for many of these things had been a part of my childhood. For that reason the land still murmurs to me, speaking of family history and ghosts of the past. This will quieten soon though, swallowed up by time and new ownership.

The land continues to call mournfully, as this man goes happily about his business of destroying all, that I now see, I had foolishly taken for granted. There on that tree he just knocked down, I shared laughter with my five year old brother.  We're swinging again on that wooden box swing, made by my dad, so long ago. Here again, we giggle as daddy pushed us high above, high enough to reach the treetops.

The bobcat buckets next push, takes away the memory of my moms laughter, as she watched my brother and I swing past, high enough to touch the sky. We'd scream happily on the way up and going back down I'd hear moms laughter as she joined in our merriment.

We'd stop for a time, then, turning in slow circles, knot up the cable, just for the swing to unwind in whirling circles, crossing our eyes and ripping screams of pure delight from our opened mouths. We'd do this several times, ignoring moms warning about us having to throw up, for that wouldn't happen to know it all kids, like my brother and I were.

I'm no longer that Kid Of Long Ago. I'm no longer that innocent who looked towards her mom and dad for all things.  I am an adult, with adult responsibilities. So many times I have to look to my own daughter to be able to experience her childlike joy in life. And once in awhile, in my dreams, my imagination takes me again to that land next door,where I'm again that Kid Of Long Ago.

What saddens me is that I didn't realize just how important that property was to me, until today.  I didn't realize how much I associated my emotions and memories with that land.  Especially since I'll never experience those things again, nor can I talk to mom about the past, as she's no longer here with me.

It's not enough to know that only time and old age can take all my memories away completely.  And hopefully senility won't take those memories away too.  So, I really have to hang on to the few things I have left, that can still give me those memories of that Kid Of Long Ago.  That's the family that shared those experiences, like my dad and brother, and the many pictures my mom took of things, throughout the years.

As We Go Through Life

As we go through life, there are often people that will effect us in some special way. These people may be in our lives from the time we're little, like family.  Or they may be the neighbor, teacher, or friend that's been there for you as long as you can remember, listening when your down or worried.That person that I always turned to, that was always there for me, that got mad at others she thought had done me wrong, was my mom. 

So the upcoming date, the 15th of October will be a terrible blow to me, once more.  It is on this date that my mom passed away over one year ago. I feel such an emptiness inside.  A place that's hurt and never heals. That loss, her no longer being there for me, has not grown any easier and never will. She was my champion, always there for me, as well as my family, her friends, and the many clients she'd had for over twenty years.

But even though I feel so alone, there are times when I still feel her presence.  And  I feel sure, if she's looking down on me, that she would be saying, "Good job I knew you could do it" especially if she's seen the progression of my writing. I know she would have been proud of my chapters that are online at http://www.chainbooks.com/  and of the book I'm currently writing, as well.

There are some changes people have to accept in life.  Getting old, gaining weight, going bald, and having the inevitable sagging of skin. But one of the things in life that can never be accepted, with change, is the loss of a loved one. I so miss my champion and wonderful mom who believed in her family unconditionally.On this day of loss- this coming Saturday- sadness will devastate me once more, for on this day moms love and enduring spirit was extinguished for good.

Entertainment Value

I was typing an email, the other day, for a TV blogger position I found online, and  I started listing all the TV shows I watch. After a moment, I started laughing.  I sounded like the TV guide.  I had begun with Blue Bloods http://www.cbs.com/  (prime time/blue bloods) and Covert Affairs http://www.usanetwork.com/ (Covert Affairs) and so on, ending up with over thirty some shows. It just depended on whether it was in season or out of season, as to which shows I was watching. And I thought being a t.v. blogger is definitely my calling.

But the truth of the matter is that I love TV shows and have from the time I was little.  And the shows I like in particular are the police dramas filled with investigative techniques and intrigue. The mystery of who done it.  And as the years go by, and technology advances, I'm a sure bet for all good police shows.  I even thought about going to school to be a forensic scientist, at one time.  But circumstances have me watching police drama and writing about it instead.

It's often funny, to some, like my dad, the entertainment value I get from watching these shows.  But, I guess I don't really see that changing.  Shows like Judging Amy http://www.cbs.com/ (prime time/Judging Amy) and CSI http://www.cbs.com/ (prime time/CSI), years ago, brought me a lot of company when my daughter was a baby and my husband was working out of town, for days at a time.

But I think my love of TV, though important for entertainment and company value, when hubby is working late, started many years ago, when my mom and I watched, my very first soap, One Life To Live http://www.abc.go.com/ (daytime), and other soaps and shows of that time.

We didn't have a lot to do then and those shows brought us time together, as mother and daughter.  Time to sit together, sharing laughter and smiles at something funny that was said or done on TV. I think, it was then, that the association with TV and family bonding started. 

I continue to share that tradition with my daughter today, when I watch, The Regular Show, Star Wars, or America's Funniest Home Videos with her.  We laugh and smile as we watch her favorite cartoons, connecting as mother and daughter, as my own mom and I did years ago. And in these times, we share not only entertainment value, but a family bonding value, as well.

Some Might Say It's Just A Smile

One might not think a smile can bring tears to someones face, but it can. It happened to me, last night, not long after I  flipped to the weather channel http://www.theweatherchannel.com  . They were interviewing a man, whose home was hit by a tornado.  He spoke of the tornado coming through, the destruction of much of his home, and then, incredibly, he smiled. I was so moved, at his strength, in the face of catastrophe, that I cried. He and many of the other people interviewed, showed such bravery in the wake of Hurricane Irene, Katia and Tropical Storm Lee.

Many people, these past few days, have felt the power of Hurricane Irene http://www.bing.com/ (Hurricane Irene), Tropical storm Lee http://www.sacbee.com/ (Remnants of Lee bring fresh flood worries to East), and Hurricane Katia, http://www.bloomberg.com/ , (Hurricane Katia to pass between Bermuda, U.S. East coast today), and still they smile and find the positive.  I felt so amazed and emotional while watching this and continue to feel that way. And I know some might say, it's just a smile, but to me it's a symbol of hope, endurance, and the road to rebuilding what the elements have taken away.

But it's not just their smile that amazes me.  It's neighbors, friends, and total strangers come together, lending a hand,to start the road to rebuilding. This is proof of what resilient people we are, and will always be. It makes me proud to be part of a society of people, that are not quitters, that even in the face of destruction, they can still see the bright side. That no matter what, they are going to persevere.

So, really, I know why I cried the last night when I saw that man's sweet smile.  He wasn't defeated by a tornado, touching down and taking away parts of his house, he was doing good. He knew that houses, cars and possessions can be replaced. So in all this devastation, he still found a reason to smile, and that was wonderful.