About Me

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I'm a SAHM who began writing, and not just thinking about it, in 2010. I thought graphic design was my future, but was surprised to learn that screenwriting was in my blood. I'm excited to say my first feature length is now being considered for optioning. Life's crazy sometimes, huh? :-)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

She's Gone, Move On

Sometimes I feel better and other days the passing of my mom hits me all over again.  It's taken baby steps just to realize that she will no longer be a part of my life.  In my heart she still lives, and in my heart she will remain, so when someone told me the other day, "She's gone, move on", I think, how is it possible to be so cavalier about this? We can't just rip out what we felt about that person,they will always be a part of our life, our heart, our very soul.

Of course, I realize that each person in life sees the grieving process and the ability to move on in different ways, some move on with life at a pace that might shock others, others continue those deeds-started by their lost loved ones-, to continue bringing happiness to others, and others still remain in a state of stasis, a kind of suspended animation, if you will, until the world seems to kick back into gear again for them.

So in many ways -I guess you could say- I've remained in suspended animation.  Oh I've continued with the day to day things, I've continued cleaning, cooking, homeschooling, socializing, my schooling, as well as writing, but the real me inside, the one that used to joke, give advice and worry about others-well that part seems to be out for an unknown length of time.

So, we each have to deal with death in our own way, but I don't think those that can move on so quickly, should expect those-still continuing to hurt-to move on at the same pace.  We can no more rip out the pain we feel inside-at a moment's notice- than the sky can be lowered if we want to see the stars more clearly in the night time sky. It's just impossible. And besides, our loved one, so real in life, can't be made so forgettable, to others, just because they think we should have moved on by now.  Never should we hear, "She's gone, move on."

So, in closing, I know life will go on for us, but each-dealing with death- in our own way. We, each, just continue on living like the mountains, strong and ever present, just in that little ledge on the mountain-we carry, in our heart-the memories, and the laughter, and the very echoes of  that loved one-that will always hold a special place in our lives. This we never have to get over and move on with, this we keep close and always cherish.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Could It Have Been Any Worse............

Profanity such as, "balls", "damn", and "shit", riddled the dialogue, of this terrible movie I went to see the other day, called The Green Hornet. This travesty, will be a living nightmare for me always.  This was one of the worst jokes, that I won't ever consider a "movie", and it's something that should never have been made in the first place.

The original Green Hornet starred Bruce Lee, and in my memories, it didn't in any way resemble the mess I saw the other day.  Not only were imagination and thought left out of the writing, but the acting was terrible too.  The martial arts action -performed by Cato- was the only thing worth watching, but even his mouth needed to be put in the washing machine.

Don't get me wrong-sadly in this day and age-I am very well aware that cussing is the norm for everything from cartoons, to comedies on t.v., to movies with action, or action suspense, but the non-stop cussing with every beat of their heart-in the Green Hornet-well that was just pure stupid, and I'm pretty sure I've seen rated R movies with less cussing.

I grew up in a very strict household and my mom and dad were very particular about what movies we could see, so when I took dad to see this movie, it was in hopes that he would really enjoy it.  I came out of the movies feeling terrible and I know movies won't be something that he and I do as a family together, again.

I seriously doubt I'll go to many movies myself -no matter how much someone wants to see it-if I don't check the viewer's comments again,before going. And this is something I really hate for I'm an avid moviegoer.  I think people will be more cautious about movie going -as time goes on- and this will cause the movie industry to take a big hit in their pockets, if things don't improve, for I know many people who are disgusted with the way movies are going too.

So could it have been any worse? Well if I had seen previews for a whole year of similar movies then I guess I would have felt even worse.  But I still think there is hope for moviegoers.  If we let our voices be heard, as in saying, "Give me quality, action and leave out the junk.", I think movie writers will listen.  For without moviegoers there would be no movies.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Wrinkles Of The Wise

Wrinkles of the wise.  What is this you might ask?  It's one of our greatest, most under-appreciated natural resources.  It's our own elderly loved ones, friends, and associates that have vast amounts of knowledge, memories, and history- if we'd only ask for it. Our elderly, like old buildings lovingly taken care of, are our history, and if ignored, our own past could be lost forever.

Years ago, my grandmother often told me stories of being on wagons and riding long distances to get to places, and being the typical teenager, that I was at that time, I think "snooze ville" here, and I never paid attention.  Gone now are my chances to learn, not only of past history, but my families history as well, for my grandmother has long since passed on.  Now I live with regret, a rich history has been lost, slipping through my fingers like sand.

I have grown up since then but there is nothing that makes me feel better about the empty places inside me, the places where my family heritage is a blank, where tidbits, that I could have learned -are now gone forever.  I do know I am distantly related to Robert E. Lee, that I am of Cherokee, German and Spanish decent, but this is just enough to just make me wish I knew more, and still the regret lingers on.

I often look at those pictures of the elderly -in black and white photos-and I wonder what knowledge do they have to impart to others?  And I look at my own life.  Will I have all the answers that my daughter will wonder about -concerning family- someday?  Will she know all that she can about family history now that so many of our loved ones have passed on?  No, sadly I don't think she will.  Is this something that could have been fixed?  Yes and no.

So this thinking has brought me to these conclusions; yes I should have listened to my grandmother more, yes I should have asked more questions, but did I?  No.  Would I have if I could turn back time?  Being the young teenager that I was then-at 14 years of age-probably not.  But I can do this, I can tell my daughter this, that the "Wrinkles Of The Wise" hold vast amounts of knowledge, and that being said we should always listen to our elders.  They are our past, our present and very importantly, they are -through history and lessons on life-our very future.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Dangerous Conditions

I don't think I'm as thoughtful, or as much in need to express myself as I am on days like today, when I find myself housebound, as it's snowed all day, and now the night has heralded the arrival of a  new dangerous element-sleet.  I find myself blogging more than usual in an effort to stave off worry as my loved ones still have a long journey back home on sleet covered roads.

With this sleet that's coming down, I think of the many times that I too, was at mercy to these same said elements, so I know-first hand- how dangerous these conditions can be.  I've played chicken with a building, another car, and a creek in my need to slide across some of that frozen stuff -when I myself had the misfortune to be caught out driving in sleet.

I am grateful that I don't have to chance the elements like I did for years and I wonder, how, as a kid did I ever find sleet and snow so fascinating?  Now I am biting my nails in worry as I know both my brother and my husband have over an hours drive to get home in sleet that coming down at a steady clip now.

Years ago my husband and I were driving towards the mountains when we got caught in a bad rain storm.  This guy was zigzagging through the traffic behind us and eventually he continued this erratic driving as he passed us as well.  It was not too long before I saw him wipe out and head off of the road towards the woods to the right of the highway. 

So I have to ask myself, any condition where the road is slick, where we can wipe out too, why do people not take it more seriously?  I know, of course, there are people that have to work and employers, unfortunately, who don't always respect the elements, and expect you to drive in sleet and snow anyway, but what about those people who don't have to be out in this weather?  What about the people who don't think you can wreck easily?  These are the people we have to worry about the most when out driving in dangerous weather conditions.

I've not made myself feel any less stressed because I have been reminded again about -Dangerous Conditions-when driving in inclement weather, but I do feel better knowing this, my husband and my brother are very cautious drivers, and with God helping steer their vehicles- they will make their way safely home again.

Nothing Lasts Forever

I was on the main drag-of an area filled with restaurants along that road-awhile back, and I saw something that made me smile as I was getting ready to pull out of a Wendy's.  There was an elderly man-back bent with age-who slowly trudged around to his wife's side of the car, and then he slowly opened the door for her.  First of all, today, you don't often see anyone opening doors for their other half- so that caught my attention- but also his endless patience and obvious love for her, well that almost brought tears to my eyes.

So when you see things like this,and know it does exist,- that eternal love, that lasting love-why then do people always say nothing lasts forever?  Why then do marriages not last longer?  My mom always said "Marriage is like a garden, and you have to keep pulling the weeds."  But what if there are so many weeds you can't see where your walking anymore?  What if the weeds are gone but you don't see your other half anymore once the weeds are cleared?

So what's the secret to marriages that last as long as the one I saw that day?  Where you make it to old age and your backs bent over, but in your eyes, that man or woman is as beautiful as the first day you met them?  What makes that old heart sing when the beats are slower now, but your love makes that heart beat as sure and strong as it had when you were younger?

Everything would have to go back I guess- to the moment you first met.  That first time your eyes connected and you said to yourself wow! would you look at that?  That first time you wanted to race to that person, get him or her before someone else did. 

And when you got married you couldn't wait for the end of the day to see them again.  Having to tell them bye each morning was like taking your heart out of your chest and sending it off with them each day.  You think I'm kidding, I'm sure, but in a way -literally- I felt that when I first got married.  I've still got that crazy, wild beating heart, it's just calmed now with life, a wee one, school and the responsibilities that come along in life.

I've heard, from family, that in time that crazy love goes away, that in time we-spouses, etc. become more like good friends.  But do I want to be just good friends?  Don't I want to have that strong bond, that love eternal-racing heart in tow-like that elderly couple I saw that day?  Yes, friendships good, but it's the racing heart that I want, that trapped beast, that's like a lions roar,one that states this is love! 

So is it true that nothing is everlasting?  Maybe some things.  But true love, strong love, now that is eternal, that is everlasting.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

An Endless Struggle

From the time we are born the aging process begins.  It's insidious, persistent and with the first sign of wrinkles- the race is on. Some may age more gracefully, but others, like myself, try every potion known to man-kind in hopes of finding that magic elixir, that cure, that will make those old crows feet hop right off of our faces.  I'll feel sure that some new potion worked, but on closer examination the mirror will say not so!

My mom often thought my relentlessness concerning wrinkles was funny, she'd say "We are what God meant us to be" in other words let the wrinkles come on and the white hair with it.  I've never listened to that advice though, hence the money out the window for magic wrinkle cures and the fried hair from all the years of hair color.

I often regret the years I did not listen to mom about putting on moisturizer, but every young person-including the one that I was at one time- scoffs at the possibility of wrinkles and getting old.  Of course there are many things that go along with aging but I'll not get into that too much.  Why bring myself down talking about what gravity does to the old body?  Who wants to hear that our chests and rears will someday be dragging the ground at the same time?   Or that on the day we get our new dentures our hearing might go out and we won't hear how much the dentures will cost us?

Of course not all things that involve aging have bad connotations that go along with it.  One good thing about aging is that- those such as myself- you can always be relied on to give good advice, and I always seem to have an extra buck lying around.  I'm also known to be reliable, and wise beyond my years, and I always seem to have all the answers, of course, I am not going to tell the unenlightened that that is not so, if I have to have wrinkles at least let me be wise in my old age.

So I guess I've come to the conclusion then that aging is an endless struggle that even the youngest and the strongest -must face- at some point in their lives.  Can we fight this evil, these wrinkles, this defeater of our own bodies?  No, we cannot.  But we can age gracefully-carrying our endless magic potions for our face around- and try to find a peace of mind through meditation and loving the person that we all some day will become.

So each and every one of us is as my mom said "Older but like a fine wine, better with time."  So lets raise a  glass in toast to each new wrinkle.  Raise that glass up now...You will not defeat us oh mighty wrinkles, we will laugh in your face-not too much though- wrinkles there,and as we each raise up that glass, feel ourselves becoming finer, finer like a wine- with time.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Family Dynamics

I tried to think if dynamics was the word I wanted to use for what I thought about my family and the things we've been going through lately.  Dynamics actually means-energetic, active, potent, powerful, lively, spirited-among other things and I thought, yes, this is what I want to use.

Because the family, is the lively, spirited part of us that keeps us going in times of sorrow, they are there for guidance and support and to love us in all that we go through in life.  Like that movie "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly". They see us when we smile, laugh and cry.  They are there when we act up, go through our rebellious years, and the years when we -for whatever reason- think we are fine if they are not ever-present in our lives.

I've often wondered-as our family is a small unit-what it's like to have a big family?  One where they have big gatherings every year and family comes from hours away, to play games, eat a family feast, and laugh and chat about things that have happened- since they last saw each other.

I've never had that.  So I am often curious about that.  We had the big Thanksgiving dinners but with time people passed away, got divorced until our unit became small-about 15 people for Thanksgiving dinners each year.  And now with the passing of my mom, one less.

So I guess- in a way- I wonder how can there can be unrest in a family, when family is so important?  What happens where families fall apart?  What happens where a person feels so alone that he or she cannot turn to their family for help in times of need?  Of course I do understand all families are not close for whatever reason.  And that being the case, maybe a member of the family -that's maybe drifted away- might feel they cannot come back into the fold- if they need help.

So all my thoughts come back round to the same thing after thinking about this a bit.  Families, big, small, or hardly there at all are all just as important.  For each family member is the glue that keeps the family unit together. We need that family dynamic like we need the air to breath, the water to drink, and sleep to be restored.  So go hug a family member today for they are-one could say-our energy, our power and our spirit.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Unknown

I was watching a show on the supernatural tonight and I started thinking about what makes us so drawn to the unknown.  Why do we watch things with such interest even as the hair is standing up on our arms and our hearts beat in alarm?  Are any of the things we feel linked to our past ancestors?  Some would say yes, others, absolutely not.

So are we any different from the pre-historic men and women of so long ago?  I'd like to think so but what is it that causes a man or woman to get angry when someones tries to take their mate away from them?  That urge to pee, if you will, on our partner?  That urge to bare our teeth at those that are a little too chummy with our loved ones? 

Of course I can think of an ex or two that I probably would have thrown at someone if they had showed interest in them- years ago.  In those cases the urge to fight, to protect, to keep them- probably was not there. 

In that same vein what makes us want to maybe snatch that last piece of pizza up, especially when we're real hungry, when maybe our other half is giving that last slice the eye?

Some would say that's just greed. But let's go back to our ancestors.  During the time maybe when there was little food to be found.  When the need to maybe eat a lot, kept them from being hungry, maybe a little bit longer?  I'd like to think, hopefully, that we've evolved from that place, that stage in time. 

But just to have food for thought, watch the protective guy or gal next time someone is staring at their mate too long, or being too flirty.  Watch the reaction next time you want that last piece of pizza and your dinner guest grabs it first.  For just a second did your bare your teeth at them?

So maybe the unkown is cause for more thoughts.  Are we like the ancestors of our past?  Is that why the unknown draws us like a moth to a flame?  Were our ancestors drawn to the unknown even as they may have been frightened of it?  Hence the protectiveness, lips drawn in a snarl? They were, like us maybe, protecting what we have from the unknown, which may even include ourselves.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Dreams For New Year

I took my daughter to see Yogi Bear yesterday and it was the funniest movie I've seen in awhile.  I really enjoyed the humor, the colors and how real Yogi and Boo-Boo seemed to be even though I knew they weren't.

I think that this was a very good ending to a year that has been really bad for me.  It ended with laughter, friendship and the hope for a new and better year.  So last night and today I will allow the end of all bad thoughts and feelings and I will enter into my mind thoughts of new ideas, new dreams, things that I hope to achieve this year.

I hope to finish my graphic design assoc. degree program, I hope to see my daughter excel in her studies for this year, I hope to sell at least five articles this year-will accept more on this of course-and I hope to show all my friends that they are truly appreciated.

What are your hopes, your dreams, your goals for this year?

Please feel free to leave your thoughts on here if you'd like to.