About Me

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I'm a SAHM who began writing, and not just thinking about it, in 2010. I thought graphic design was my future, but was surprised to learn that screenwriting was in my blood. I'm excited to say my first feature length is now being considered for optioning. Life's crazy sometimes, huh? :-)

Monday, December 5, 2011

In The Blink Of An Eye

 My daughter reached a mid-way point in her life, yesterday.  She is no longer a child, but not yet an adult. It was a hard transition for me, though I should have seen it coming. I should have been prepared, as there was no stopping a birthday that was coming faster than a runaway locomotive. My daughter was excited, for days, about the coming of a birthday that was taking her toward adulthood. But I was dragging my feet as if trying to ward off bad news.

Last Friday, I guess I was dealing with it better because I got her her first, official trendy haircut.  More like a teenager, less like my baby girl.  She left the hair salon with short pieces, framing her face and pretty curls throughout the length, in the back.

I was so proud of her, and yet so sad.  My daughter's growing up. And someday, as with all kids, she'll spread her wings and fly.  High across the sky, drifting where the wind carries her.  Maybe towards college,  or with a husband to start a new home, or even to follow his or her career to a state far away.

I know she will go down the same path I did, as she becomes a teen, for it's each person's right to choose a path that makes us understand and grow. She will probably, as a pre-teen, wish for a car, and freedom to see her friends and go to the mall.  Then with a car, she will wish for a place of her own, and more freedom. Then college or a husband to complete the great circle of life, for that time of her life.

 And eventually, she will learn, that life is not always so much fun when responsibility comes our way. Such as myself, when I had my first home and was making four dollars and twenty five cents and hour, with no insurance, and could hardly pay my bills.  I quickly realized mom and the security and safety of my childhood home, filled with love and wisdom did not look so bad after all.

So I know my daughter will face a plethora of choices, as she goes through these changes, we all must face.  She will become a pre-teen, a teen and eventually a young lady.  And through all these changes she will roll her eyes at me, as I did mom.  She will talk back to her old mom, as I did mine, as well.  But even though I understand, she will be exerting her independence, it will be hard, as I know it was for my own mom.

And in time she will want to be with her friends, as mom, will be boring, and life out there will be so much more fun, as I guess I did with my mom as well. So what's coming for me?  A young girl, who will have a mind of her own, who will want to prove she doesn't need her mom.  Who will have to experience, so many things, before she understands what her old mom's nagging, through the years, was all about.

She will learn that life can be painful, that not all friends are what they appear to be, that that was not really true love, that money really can slip through your fingers, that we really do have to budget money and pay our bills first.

Someday, she, like I myself, will understand what a mom's worry is all about.  She will have her own child, and from the moment it's born she will try keep that child safe.  She will start by doing all for the baby.  Then the baby will become a toddler,who doesn't need anything. A little girl, who needs mom after all. A pre-teen- again- who doesn't need mom, as she's such a worrier.  A teen who think moms embarrassing. And finally an adult, who forgets mom for periods of time, life's so busy.

 And as life settles down, this child, who became a woman, will face the passage of time and the trials of raising her own child. And she will automatically look towards her own mom, for she knows nowhere else will she find better guidance, as grandma's already been down that same road. She will look towards her mom, not with rolling eyes, but seeking wisdom as she deals with her own child who, will too, grow up in the blink of an eye.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Kid Of Long Ago

I was walking down the driveway, after leaving mom and dad's house today, when I saw this man. He was on the other side of our property, going back and forth on a cable rope swing, free and happy as a kid. Untroubled by the burdens of adulthood and responsibility that can bog us down, so often, when we're grown.

He didn't notice me, at first, but quickly got on a bobcat and started clearing the land again, when he saw me observing him.  Even though I know I really had no right, as this land's recently been sold, I still feel the pull of this land, which had been in our family for as long as I can remember. It really bothered me as I watched him knock down and destroy things, for many of these things had been a part of my childhood. For that reason the land still murmurs to me, speaking of family history and ghosts of the past. This will quieten soon though, swallowed up by time and new ownership.

The land continues to call mournfully, as this man goes happily about his business of destroying all, that I now see, I had foolishly taken for granted. There on that tree he just knocked down, I shared laughter with my five year old brother.  We're swinging again on that wooden box swing, made by my dad, so long ago. Here again, we giggle as daddy pushed us high above, high enough to reach the treetops.

The bobcat buckets next push, takes away the memory of my moms laughter, as she watched my brother and I swing past, high enough to touch the sky. We'd scream happily on the way up and going back down I'd hear moms laughter as she joined in our merriment.

We'd stop for a time, then, turning in slow circles, knot up the cable, just for the swing to unwind in whirling circles, crossing our eyes and ripping screams of pure delight from our opened mouths. We'd do this several times, ignoring moms warning about us having to throw up, for that wouldn't happen to know it all kids, like my brother and I were.

I'm no longer that Kid Of Long Ago. I'm no longer that innocent who looked towards her mom and dad for all things.  I am an adult, with adult responsibilities. So many times I have to look to my own daughter to be able to experience her childlike joy in life. And once in awhile, in my dreams, my imagination takes me again to that land next door,where I'm again that Kid Of Long Ago.

What saddens me is that I didn't realize just how important that property was to me, until today.  I didn't realize how much I associated my emotions and memories with that land.  Especially since I'll never experience those things again, nor can I talk to mom about the past, as she's no longer here with me.

It's not enough to know that only time and old age can take all my memories away completely.  And hopefully senility won't take those memories away too.  So, I really have to hang on to the few things I have left, that can still give me those memories of that Kid Of Long Ago.  That's the family that shared those experiences, like my dad and brother, and the many pictures my mom took of things, throughout the years.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

As We Go Through Life

As we go through life, there are often people that will effect us in some special way. These people may be in our lives from the time we're little, like family.  Or they may be the neighbor, teacher, or friend that's been there for you as long as you can remember, listening when your down or worried.That person that I always turned to, that was always there for me, that got mad at others she thought had done me wrong, was my mom. 

So the upcoming date, the 15th of October will be a terrible blow to me, once more.  It is on this date that my mom passed away over one year ago. I feel such an emptiness inside.  A place that's hurt and never heals. That loss, her no longer being there for me, has not grown any easier and never will. She was my champion, always there for me, as well as my family, her friends, and the many clients she'd had for over twenty years.

But even though I feel so alone, there are times when I still feel her presence.  And  I feel sure, if she's looking down on me, that she would be saying, "Good job I knew you could do it" especially if she's seen the progression of my writing. I know she would have been proud of my chapters that are online at http://www.chainbooks.com/  and of the book I'm currently writing, as well.

There are some changes people have to accept in life.  Getting old, gaining weight, going bald, and having the inevitable sagging of skin. But one of the things in life that can never be accepted, with change, is the loss of a loved one. I so miss my champion and wonderful mom who believed in her family unconditionally.On this day of loss- this coming Saturday- sadness will devastate me once more, for on this day moms love and enduring spirit was extinguished for good.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Entertainment Value

I was typing an email, the other day, for a TV blogger position I found online, and  I started listing all the TV shows I watch. After a moment, I started laughing.  I sounded like the TV guide.  I had begun with Blue Bloods http://www.cbs.com/  (prime time/blue bloods) and Covert Affairs http://www.usanetwork.com/ (Covert Affairs) and so on, ending up with over thirty some shows. It just depended on whether it was in season or out of season, as to which shows I was watching. And I thought being a t.v. blogger is definitely my calling.

But the truth of the matter is that I love TV shows and have from the time I was little.  And the shows I like in particular are the police dramas filled with investigative techniques and intrigue. The mystery of who done it.  And as the years go by, and technology advances, I'm a sure bet for all good police shows.  I even thought about going to school to be a forensic scientist, at one time.  But circumstances have me watching police drama and writing about it instead.

It's often funny, to some, like my dad, the entertainment value I get from watching these shows.  But, I guess I don't really see that changing.  Shows like Judging Amy http://www.cbs.com/ (prime time/Judging Amy) and CSI http://www.cbs.com/ (prime time/CSI), years ago, brought me a lot of company when my daughter was a baby and my husband was working out of town, for days at a time.

But I think my love of TV, though important for entertainment and company value, when hubby is working late, started many years ago, when my mom and I watched, my very first soap, One Life To Live http://www.abc.go.com/ (daytime), and other soaps and shows of that time.

We didn't have a lot to do then and those shows brought us time together, as mother and daughter.  Time to sit together, sharing laughter and smiles at something funny that was said or done on TV. I think, it was then, that the association with TV and family bonding started. 

I continue to share that tradition with my daughter today, when I watch, The Regular Show, Star Wars, or America's Funniest Home Videos with her.  We laugh and smile as we watch her favorite cartoons, connecting as mother and daughter, as my own mom and I did years ago. And in these times, we share not only entertainment value, but a family bonding value, as well.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Some Might Say It's Just A Smile

One might not think a smile can bring tears to someones face, but it can. It happened to me, last night, not long after I  flipped to the weather channel http://www.theweatherchannel.com  . They were interviewing a man, whose home was hit by a tornado.  He spoke of the tornado coming through, the destruction of much of his home, and then, incredibly, he smiled. I was so moved, at his strength, in the face of catastrophe, that I cried. He and many of the other people interviewed, showed such bravery in the wake of Hurricane Irene, Katia and Tropical Storm Lee.

Many people, these past few days, have felt the power of Hurricane Irene http://www.bing.com/ (Hurricane Irene), Tropical storm Lee http://www.sacbee.com/ (Remnants of Lee bring fresh flood worries to East), and Hurricane Katia, http://www.bloomberg.com/ , (Hurricane Katia to pass between Bermuda, U.S. East coast today), and still they smile and find the positive.  I felt so amazed and emotional while watching this and continue to feel that way. And I know some might say, it's just a smile, but to me it's a symbol of hope, endurance, and the road to rebuilding what the elements have taken away.

But it's not just their smile that amazes me.  It's neighbors, friends, and total strangers come together, lending a hand,to start the road to rebuilding. This is proof of what resilient people we are, and will always be. It makes me proud to be part of a society of people, that are not quitters, that even in the face of destruction, they can still see the bright side. That no matter what, they are going to persevere.

So, really, I know why I cried the last night when I saw that man's sweet smile.  He wasn't defeated by a tornado, touching down and taking away parts of his house, he was doing good. He knew that houses, cars and possessions can be replaced. So in all this devastation, he still found a reason to smile, and that was wonderful.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Recent Scam.....New York Speeding Ticket

I usually hurry through to my email, because most days, I find myself the recipient of over 200 emails.  And it's usually pretty obvious, that it's junk mail, from the subject line. So even a hardened emailer like me must admit that my old ticker gave a start, when I saw that, not only had I been in New York, July 5th, of this year, which I hadn't been aware of, especially since I've never been to New York, but I had gotten a speeding ticket there, as well.

This email speeding ticket scam http://www.securitynewsdaily.com/ (New York Speeding Ticket Scam)evidently started making it's rounds in unsuspecting people's emails, a few days ago. And for just a minute,when seeing "uniform traffic ticket" in the subject line, I'm sure that it alarmed many other email recipients,as well. This of course, being just what the scammers wanted, but hopefully the recipients did not open the attachment which might have gotten them a malicious virus for their trouble.

Many would probably say just give the old junk mail a toss, but for unsuspecting souls, those not thinking and opening their email attachments, the scammers would surely win, as these viruses can and do effect many unsuspecting people.  So what can one do to protect themselves from scams? There are sites that offer advice such as http://www.scamwatch.gov.au/ , (How to Protect Yourself) and http://www.onguardonline.gov/ (Email Scams).

I'd like to think, scammers would have something better to do than send viruses to so many unsuspecting people, but that's just not the case. And there are many scam emails, such as the ones I've received like: I've just had thousands charged to my credit card: quick fix this! Or some dear person, just left me millions of dollars. Or, bless my soul, I've just received the winning lottery ticket number!  And open just one attachment in jubilation and pow! a possible virus on my computer.

Sadly, the scams will keep coming.  But since there is no letup on scams that leaves it to emailers, the unsuspecting victims, to take a more active roll in stopping this problem.  So if someone suddenly leaves an emailer millions, or if your credit cards been charged thousands, or recently, if emailers receive a speeding ticket from New York, please inform others of these scams.  It only takes a minute.  In this way, we can help thwart another scammer from achieving their goal of possibly spreading a virus to some unsuspecting person's computer.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

The Scare Factor

When I was little I was very scared of mice. So it didn't take much for the scare factor to appear and I'd  be screaming like the devil himself was after me.  Dad, of course, had no patience for this and my comforting words were in the shape of "Quit being silly."  Nothing could have stopped the screaming faster than daddy making me feel like a fool.

Years later, I can still laugh about that.  I don't feel so foolish anymore, though, since I started watching Billy The Exterminator http://www.billytheexterminator.com/ on the A & E channel. http://www.aetv.com/.  While his show tends to have an offbeat kind of humor, Billy does state on there, quite often, about the dangerous diseases and germs that mice and other vermin can carry.

I think it would be cool to have a show like that where one gets rid of pests good and bad.  Billy, many times, uses a natural oil product that does not harm humans, or pets, to kill wasps and other insect vermin.  If he takes a little pleasure in that sometimes, I think I would feel the same, if it were mice.

I think I would probably be doing good deeds myself, not in relocating the animals, but in getting rid of the germs they leave behind as I sort of have a phobia with germs. So if I were on Billy's show he would be taking the animals to a new location and I would be spraying and spraying to get rid of germs and help make the homes safe for home owners and their kids and pets.

So I guess one could ask, have I outgrown my fear of mice, the very real carriers of disease?  No I still don't like the suckers and I guess in my mind they all need to be exterminated.  Would I still scream if I saw one?  Yes, if he was crawling on me, or running around my feet.  How about if he was only close by? Only if he were like those giant rats on that pest control commercial.  The rats that are playing guitars and ask the homeowners why they came home early.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Comic Con 2011

I was watching the Reelz Channel http://www.reelzchannel.com/ the other night and Comic Con 2011 http://www.comic-con.org/ was showing on there.  It brought back so many memories to me, many things that I had totally forgotten about. Like the fact that I was a Trekkie fan long before it was considered cool.   And I was living long and prospering, along with Spock, doing those mysterious hand signs long before many even knew what they meant.

I watched all the original Star Trek shows http://www.startrek.com/ created by Gene Roddenberry, with   Captain James T. Kirk, and later the newer version of Star Trek with Jean Luc Picard. To my delight I found and then started watching the Deep Space Nine shows that ran from  from 1993 to 1999.  www.startrek.com/database_article/deep_space_nine

As I continued watching the Reelz Channel, the other night, I started wishing I could be there in a cool suit like they wore in Star Wars. Or be a princess or one of the tough female characters that knew how to kick butt. There I could live in another world for awhile, there I could be the Sci-Fi geek that my inner child still longs to be. It was very refreshing to see others just as excited about Sci-Fi type shows and movies as I am. 

I really enjoyed learning too, that actors and actresses came dressed in costumes, thereby incognito, to enjoy Comic Con as well.  One actor even mentioned they had a signal, or way to know when another actor was there dressed up in costume to enjoy the Comic Con event.

I hope someday to be able to attend Comic Con and enjoy not only the Sci-Fi memories of the past but the newer Sci-Fi memories that I make now with shows such as Alphas www.syfy.com/alphas  and the newest Sci-Fi movie with Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones, http://www.cowboysandaliensmovie.com/

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

My Imagination

When I was little, I lived way out in the country, and there were no nearby kids to play with. Our home was hidden, surrounded by tall trees, like giant wooden soldiers, that hugged our home, on three sides. My only companions were pet dogs, chickens that clucked and eecked out small meals on the hard dirt's surface, and a lonely hoot owl, that occasionally called for it's mate, on nights dark as the blackest ink.

So, it's probably no surprise, my imagination, was oftentimes, a companion on rainy days, or days when mom or my brother were otherwise occupied.  On those days my imagination then kicked in. In the basement, where my child's imagination lived, my secret-other eight year old-boyfriend and I were cool spies. Or I raced my trusted steed, with a long flowing mane, up our long backyard and back down to the house again.

I would have thought, all these years later, that my imagination would have ceased to exist, but I realized, awhile back, when story ideas started coming to me, that it was not on hiatus, but alive and well.Complicated stories, where a regular life with a white house and picket fence weren't good enough.   My stories had to be long drawn out affairs.  In this way, I lived through my characters. In this way I dreamed.

Last year, I started this blog, with the urging of a good friend of mine.  I had been part of an online writing group, but just was not sure where I was going to go from there.  After the death of my mom, last year, and a feeling of total blankness, and uncaring for my writing or my imagination, I considered giving up my writing, right then and there.

This was a hard decision for me because I come from a family, where reading and the written word, mean a lot.  My dad, mom, brother, daughter and I all, for years, have had a love for reading.  But it went further than this-for my family and I-, it transcended into the written word.  My mom, when alive, loved to write poetry.  My dad writes articles for the local newspaper.  And I, well the active imagination I'd always had, was just my story characters, before they ever saw the light of day. They're now fictional characters, that are alive through the power of pen and paper, or my trusty computer.

I really don't believe my writing would have gone any further than it did, if it weren't for the encouragement of some wonderful people in my life.  So I want to mention them and thank them now.  Due to respecting their rights and privacy, I will only mention a first name or a link.  I thank, first off, always, God.  For without him, I would be nothing.

I thank my mom, always, for the support she gave me, all my life, up until she died.  I thank my daughter, who though, only nine, has praised my stories and asked me to read them, again and again.  I thank my friends, Kathryn, Jackie, Dana, and Sarah.

And in the writing world, any writer, such as myself, would not get very far without the wonderful editors out there that see the potential in a writer, and nurture it.  I want to thank two wonderful editors, in particular, who have been supportive and encouraged my writing.  Again, due to privacy, I will just give the link.  I thank the wonderful editor at http://www.inthepowderroom.com/ for her wonderful support, via email.

And I so thank the wonderful editor at http://pinkfoxpublications.net/.  He knows who he is. :-)  Thank you, for accepting my story, for believing in me, and for giving me that chance. And for all your great advice.

So my imagination has brought me full circle, like in the Lion King. http://www.lionking.com/   I had to find out who I was as a writer, which started long ago, in my imagination, as a child.  I had to take that first chance, that first step as a writer, and I had to believe in myself and sprout wings and fly.  It's not easy, but my imagination will just have to see me through.

Monday, June 27, 2011

All The Comforts Of Home

I thought I'd experienced everything when it comes to bookstores.  I've been to everything from used bookstores http://www.biblio.com/ to bigger stores such as Books-a-Million http://www.booksamillion.com/ .  So it came as a surprise, to find all the comforts of home, in a large chain book store, like Barnes and Noble. http://www.barnesandnoble.com/ , especially, when larger chain stores, no matter which ones, can be very impersonal.

My daughter and I had not had much time, that first visit to Barnes and Noble, and I thought, I'll just go in for a quick look, and then I'll be on my way.  But that was not the way it worked out.  From the minute I walked in first set of double doors, I experienced a hush...a silence, in a tiny entryway, where I was able to peruse some books on sale, before I even got to the main part of the store. It's very quiet here, and I heard neither the noises from the outside, nor the noises from the inside of the bookstore.

And when I go through the next set of double doors, I heard a sort of whoosh, and then the smell of coffee drifts to my nose, a most delightful caffeine high.  First, to the left, of the entrance, is a very cozy lounging area.  Here customers, are sitting chatting quietly, at some tables, with a few typing away on laptops as they sip coffee.  And past this, is a little cafe area.  Here again, one can sip coffee and enjoy one of the many desserts in glass enclosed display cases, to tempt someone like me, long before I take the first bite.

Even though the lure was almost more than I could take, my daughter and I start off towards the back of the store.  In the very back is a section dedicated only to kids.  The display of books was incredible. Too many to see, for a rushed visit.

So it was very hard to know where to go next.  There was a teen section just outside the kids section.  Several shelves of fiction.  And to the right of that there was a eight to ten feet, at least, long section of magazines, of every kind.  There were so many things to look at, I actually just sort of ignored- some things- as it was just so hard to know where to go next.

I had to go, time had run out, and I regretted not being able to stay longer, but I had to stop, for a second, at their cafe.  I had the biggest piece of cheesecake, I'd ever seen.  My daughter had a piece of chocolate cake.  We pulled out our books, bought in haste, but that I knew we'd enjoy.  My daughter started reading from Tumtum & Nutmeg and I started reading, Known To Evil.  It was wonderful, the short time we had.  I've no doubt I'll be back again, soon.  Only the distance, will make these visits far apart.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

One Mans Junk.......

Sometimes, even the birds wouldn't be tweeting when I'd push open the door and face another "barely light", Saturday morning.  It'd be hot, with the promise of hotter, and yet mom would smile liked the grandest adventure awaited me.  In my child's mind-at that time-, it didn't, in mom's mind it did.  A folded up newspaper,- gripped tightly in her hand- would show the yard sale section, highlighted and  hastily circled-many times-, giving directions to yard sales http://www.theonlineyardsale.com/  near and far.

I did not have the craving, for these "yard sales" yet and I did not understand the need to rush from place to place.  The need to make it to the next place before someone got the "good stuff".  Of course, mom would come back -many times- with only books, little nick knacks, and such- but I, did not see it's value.  I did not understand the expression, "One man's junk, is another man's treasure."

Of course, as things turned out, since my long ago youth, I'm sentimental about all things book like, tiny nick knacks,and well okay, just plain "cute stuff".  I realize now I did learn something valuable form mom -on those  hectic yard sale trips-long ago.  I learned that treasure, cheap, expensive, small, big, cute or not is what's seen in each person's eyes.  That makes it treasure.  That makes it a keepsake.  If it makes my heart-as did mom's- pitter patter, then it was and is a treasure worth keeping.

It's been years, since I've gone to yard sales, and mornings aren't spent listening to the early morning tweeter of birds, but fixing my husband's lunch and writing, emailing- at the computer.  But somethings happened recently, I was not aware of.  My mom's love of yard sales, skipped me, and hopped into the imagination of my daughter.  My daughter, now sees a fascination in yard sales and has asked if we can go.

A happiness-oddly, maybe- fills me at the thought of doing this.  Again, as when I was little, the paper will be whipped out.  Hastily circled addresses will be read.  Big yard sales, family yard sales, church yard sales, rich section, must go to yard sales, they're all there for the taking.  The hunt, the search for-"must have items"- is upon me. A tradition, long forgotten, is about to start again.  I look forward to it.  Maybe not the being up before the birds get to tweeting, but the hunt for treasure.  http://www.yardsalequeen.com/

Friday, May 27, 2011

Stories From A Letter

The envelope's postmarked 1984. The pages-I take out are dull and yellow with age. Corners are turned up, ink is faded, brown stains dot the pages- like confetti.  The letter folds, are just as crisp, just as lovingly creased, as the day the letter reached it's destination-28 years ago-, at Fort Dix, New Jersey  http://www.army-technology.com/ . I lived there, for four months, that year, and I learned that life was different, for a small town girl, on her first trip away from home.

As I unfold this letter-that I hold- a sentence jumps out a me. Mom asks why haven't I written her back yet?  Why could I have not written, just one line, to let her know how I was doing?  I try to think now, what was the reason, the excuse, for not writing that answering letter, that had meant so much to her-so long ago.  http://books.google.com/ (Letter writing as a social practice/Excuses for not writing a letter.)

As I continue reading,tears well up in my eyes, for I cannot answer that long ago question. She is no longer here, to get the answer.  I struggle to remember if I ever wrote an answer.  And the truth, which makes me feel worse, is that I just don't know. 

What made me neglect to write -in a letter-what was going on for me, at that time?  I remember flashes of things.  Endless training, exercising, studying, training-in preparation-for Uncle Sam's plans for me. Why did I not tell my mom how busy my life was, at that time?  How it was changing so much, and seemed so out of my control?

As I sit here, thinking, I realize, I know the reason why I did not write, more. Or tell my mom more. My very time away from home was filled with worry and responsibility.  I'd never had so much.  And loneliness and a craving for home, which I had been in such a hurry to leave, had filled my every thought.  Knowlege of this, though, I knew would have made her feel worse.

In my haste, to not worry my own mom, I had worried her, endlessly.  I hadn't wanted to mention that I'd made a mistake, and I that I wished I could come back home- again.  Never, would I have mentioned the non-stop flirtation-offers from guys, to visit their rooms- or the girls who got pregnant.

I hadn't wanted her to know that I was miserable.  So silence, kept the worry at bay, unwritten letters, kept me from blurting the truth, from wanting to run to my mom and not live the crazy life, that I then faced, as an adult.

I know now, this page I hold,-filled with stories from a letter-were an attempt from mom to hide pain and worry-she felt herself- and an attempt to tell of happier times. So, times when I did not write, were times of worry, and therefore I could not write letters of such reassurance myself. Nothing that would have reassured a mom, filled with worry for her only daughter.

I carefully fold this letter up. I put it back on top of a pile of such letters, written lovingly, and to reassure a daughter, far from home.  Each letter whispers of bits and pieces of, two separate, yet shared lives, and  thoughts that are over twenty eight years old.  I carefully put the letters away.  I know that each letter will call to me, and when they do, I'll be ready.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Art Of Shameless Self-Promotion

I used to roll my eyes at the art of shameless self-promotion and the things people would say or do to self-promote themselves, a product or service. http://bethfinke.wordpress.com/2008/11/22/the-shameless-art-of-self-promotion/  I'd think, I'd never do something like that.  But, I'll now be honest with myself, I would have self-promoted, given the right circumstances.  I just didn't have a strong enough reason yet.

 My different outlook on things started with the death of a loved one- last year.  I suffered the terrible loss of a wonderful/beautiful person to me-my mom.  I started writing and the need to express myself about the very important things that touched my life-was born.  So the recent article that I wrote, at the following link:

http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/shit-happens/the-healthcare-dilemma.html really touched my heart, as it was similar to some of the things my mom went through- without insurance, several months before her death- as well as the things I face now, having no insurance, as well.

But self-promotion, though it may seem distasteful to some- is now a very necessary part of our lives.  The competition is fierce -for all areas of work- with a recession, and the incredible amount of people without work and still needing jobs.  Self-promotion, of course, is probably not necessary when the jobs are as thick as the leaves on trees, but in lean times, when the leaves are yellow and falling from the trees, people feel the pressure, and do all they can to insure they continue to get a steady flow of work.

This is never more prevalent -to me- than when I go to small retail stores and the smiles are hopeful and bright.  Hopeful that you will buy something, bright because that smile might draw you closer, close enough to talk into buying something.  This used to make me feel uncomfortable, and I'd guiltily turn away, no eye contact, meant I did not see just how badly they needed the business. And sometimes, when your doing bad, money wise too, it's you that survives, or them.

So in a way, as a writer, in a world of fierce competition for every writing gig, I am that hopeful retail salesperson too. I am, now too, that self-promoter.  I am looking towards the writing world, and my eyes are bright as a birds, before it grabs up that worm and flies off into the bright blue,cloudless skies of summer, and hopefully that worm has a fistful of money in it's little worm hands.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Movie that rocks...........

Movies,now days, are like an old, but comfy pair of shoes. We sometimes get too used to their comfort and don't look for or expect anything different. Same faces-just new lines of dialogue and predictable scene endings.  So if your like me-an avid moviegoer- and want to see something new and different you'll enjoy the movie "Soul Surfer"  http://www.heartofasoulsurfer.com/ .

The vibrant beauty-in almost every scene-is unexpected, if the movie reviews are bypassed, by those that like movie surprises-such as myself -so the amazing colors, family closeness and the association you feel with actress AnnaSophia Robb's character- real life professional surfer Bethany Hamilton- will hit at the old heart strings right from the start.

You'll sympathize and feel the pain that actress AnnaSophia Robb portrays as -Bethany Hamilton's character- and you'll  journey along with her as she struggles to face life -as a surfer- after the loss of an arm due to a shark attack.

The scenes-throughout the movie- include colorful skies, coral reef,curled waves, and sparkling, sun kissed waters of blue and green. The views can only be described as, part of God's great beauty, for no artist could capture anything as awesome on canvas. You will feel the pull -even- to be a surfer as the competitions,which play throughout the movie, become really intense near the end.

Be sure to bring along some Kleenex, as it'll be hard to keep a dry eye through the entire movie. The families struggle, and the pain they feel for AnneSophia Robb's "Bethany Hamilton" is touching.  She must learn to face the possibility that surfing-which is her life-may not be a part of her life-anymore-after the loss of her arm. Her amazing courage and faith are without a doubt the reasons she has gone on to become a professional surfer today.

Soul surfer is one of the few movies, that anyone -as an avid movie goer- will enjoy from beginning to end. It'll be a movie great for any occasion: whether it be girls' night out, date night, family and kids night or even a night with just the old ball and chain.  Either way this "movie that rocks" will be enjoyed by all.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Each Like The Other?

Yesterday, it seems, she opened her eyes for the first time.  Of course I was in a drug induced state-what with the pain killers, and spinal tap- but I can still see the baby- whose cuteness was matched by none. She, my one and only child, with her many traits, and facets was-"and is"- as unique as any rare painting- to me.

I was therefore surprised at what I found on a website concerning -"an only child family"- 
http://www.birthorderandpersonality.com/ where they mention the types of traits that "first only"children have.  Of course, each child may exhibit different characteristics according to their environment and situation but some of the traits mentioned, I just don't think should be associated with all-only child- home situations.

The traits I agree my daughter shares include:getting along well with older people, maturing faster, being responsible, and preferring adult company.  She has always gotten along well with older adults and laughs along with what adults say just as easily as with kids her own age.  I also agree with her maturing faster, using adult language and preferring adult company-sometimes.

I didn't agree about her being self-centered, having difficulty sharing, being a perfectionist, or attention seeker as she is more along the lines of how her father is.  She lets things go, does not pick up toys,  or worry about the small stuff- at all. She will give give me little gifts, candy and offer her own food to me. 

She also shares her toys with her friends and has even given her own toys away if her friends have shown interest in them. So I guess you could say being a perfectionist and selfish is something I'd say to just throw out with the dishwater too-as far as only children are concerned. If you teach your "only child" to share and to be caring towards others they will not stray from those values.

So how are ideas, surveys, or opinions formed, as to what traits an "only child" has or should have?  What are the guidelines on this?  Who decides how an "only child" is judged? And is it right to decide how an "only child" is and put all kids into that one lump or category?

Is that guideline right to use on anything in life we have to face?  No I don't think so. We are each different, unique and should be treated as such.  I was not an only child and yet I shared many of the "only child" traits in my own childhood.

I think each of us, no matter what we face in life ,should never be placed in the mold that society thinks we should be in.  And even if some kids, etc. fall into the same criteria as others, we are each our own person, making our own decisions, living in a world that doesn't give an inch. So are "each like the other" as far as kids are concerned?  No, we each, as kids, are diamonds in the rough that grow into sparkling individuals- each of our own making.

Thursday, March 31, 2011


Blogging originated, according to a search, around 1997 or 1999. It started as a way for people to express themselves using personal journaling or an online diary. http://hyku.com/   People, through these personal diaries, expressed themselves, however they felt, each day, in sometimes very personal ways. And in doing this, sometimes, opened themselves up to very thoughtless comments.

I got to thinking about, just how personal blogs can be, after visiting a fellow bloggers site.  She told of a very personal and private moment on her online blog. She'd had a Colonic done,- http://www.colonhealth.net/ - and told of her experiences, and how this helped her feel better, along with a few pictures. Instead of a thanks for sharing this, she got,"why did you take those pics, you look old" and "you look bald in that pic", as part of her readers comments.

So even though blogging did start and continues to be very personal journaling experiences, now days, blogging offers so much more- to online readers. Some of the blogs include art blogs http://artblog.net/, personal blogs, http://willysr.blogspot.com/  and genre blogs, http://www.networkedblogs.com/ just to name a few-of the many-that can now be found in cyberspace.

These blogs are fun, helpful,tongue-in-cheek, and sassy, even when being really informative or technical.  Feelings are strong about products, technology and every day life. Vibrant words that can change a person's day, make them smile and bookmark a site for many return visits.

Some may see blogging sites and think "Bloggity, Blog, Blog, "What's all the fuss?",but blogging is really a great and  powerful tool.  It can be used in so many ways, and always the heart is there, used to bring us a visual picture, as if we were actually there.

So to this lady- whose site I visited-who had the thoughtless comments posted-and to other bloggers -out there- keep up the great work.  Blogging is still a personal diary online, but now, in the years since blogging started, it's become so much more.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

To Relive That Magic

The kids scream in excitement, pushy as any adult can be.  Eyes shine, as bright as new pennies, as they gaze in wonder at all they see around them. I am shiny eyed and filled with awe too- but I'm a bigger kid.  I'm 17 years old and I am visiting- for the first time- a very magical place.  The place of dreams that come true.  The place that makes kids young and old alike look at the world in a new way.  This wonderful place that I got the chance to see was Disney World. http://disneyworld.disney.go.com/

It's been twenty-eight years but I can can still see the park like it was yesterday.  People -like an explosion of humanity- fill the park from the early morning hours until closing time each night.  Smiles fill each face, all the problems,all the reasons to be an adult, have disappeared.  Adults and kids hold hands tightly, and eyes big as saucers take in all the colors and smells of popcorn, cotton candy, hot dogs, drinks, and wondrous treasures, a different kind of bling- on every corner.

Of course, a lot has changed in the years since I've been there, but my memories are as real to me as if I'd just left the park.  It's "A Small World" still rings in my head, and I can recall those chirpy words, on a continuous loop, like it was yesterday.  I can still see feet dangling off of a ledge-pirates no less-before we go under an archway-on our boat ride-and breathlessly wait for the next adventure they have in store for us.

I still have the photos of that magical time with my mom.  I am probably the most care-free that I can remember-in those pictures.  I look young, happy, and life still has many possibilities in store for me.  I remember that night mom and I -and the folks that were with us on that bus tour-lined up outside of a Burger King and waited to order at an outside window-for bus tours, such as ourselves.

The wind was just right, blowing my hair which tickled the side of my face. It is the perfect weather in my mind, and a temperature that would be fantastic anywhere, year round.  The automobiles-are a background humming noise, they are so unobtrusive, and the murmur of the other people in our group-to this day- remains a pleasant background music in my mind.

My mom and I went on many tours-over the years-but this memory, as a teenager- remains one of my favorites. So it's no wonder I found- in a search- that Disney world was one of the top attractions for kids to visit in Orlando, Florida. http://travelwithkids.about.com/  

This memory was special, in many ways, but I remember too-my mom and I are at our closest-no disagreeing, which was something, as I was a teenager at the time.  We are the most relaxed.  And our inner child, that  longs for no responsibilities, and the ability to let our imaginations go where they wanted to, was alive and well.

It was my mom's dream -long ago- to take my daughter to Disney World, and it's a dream I hope to make come true, because to relive that magic -of that day with mom- and to make new memories with my daughter would truly be special.   So to Disney World I tip my hat and say "Thank you".

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Important Decisions In Life

After talking to a friend of mine-today-I started thinking about some of the important decisions we'll all face, at some point in our lives.  Decisions like, how to pay for college http://www.collegemadesimple.com/ , for a wedding with a low budget, http://www.lowbudgetwedding.com/ , and probably one of the most important and heartbreaking in our lives-how to help our elderly parents,when the nursing home may be the next stop for them. http://aplaceformom.com/

Years ago, when I was younger, my mom offered to pay for me to go to community college -many times-, but as I'd just finished twelve years of school- I refused.  It was a decision I lived to regret, as at 45 years of age, I'm just now starting  my 4th semester of college. 

But for most young people today college may be beyond their reach.  Prices run into the thousands-each year- for tuition, books, food, lodging and all the extras.  And most parents, if struggling, just cannot afford the amount needed to be paid-each year-for their kids to have a chance at a better life and future.

This can sometimes bring hurt and resentment.  And these feeling are compounded if a parent can't afford to send all the kids to college.There are of course grants, if you qualify, but if not, your back in the same place you started from.

We also face, as the years go by, the prospect of marriage when we meet the one we're meant to spend the rest of our lives with.  Then you pray -again-that your parents can help.  The price of a wedding today can be ridiculous.  You have to pay for a wedding gown, the brides maids gowns-in some cases-the wedding cake, the invitations, the flowers and decorations, the photographer, and- in some cases- lodging for out of town guests.

There are some like myself, that were blessed to have a mom that was able to pay for my wedding.  Though the marriage didn't last but three years, my gratitude for what my mom did for me remained with me all my life.

But I think the most difficult decision we'll have to make in life-as I had to-is deciding what to do when our elderly loved ones face the possibility of having to go to a nursing home.  This difficult decison carries the weight of years of pain and guilt that'll remain with us always.

"I never want to be a burden to you, if the time comes I want you to put me in a nursing home." said my mom years ago.  It was adamantly refused as I never, ever considered that choice for my mom no matter what was said.  But life took that choice away from me, when mom could no longer walk or get up on her own and dad and I had to have mom admitted into a rehab- so that she could get the help she needed to come home again.

There will always be decisons and choices we have to make in life and they won't always be easy.  But for the lucky, college will be paid for-easily, the -low budget-wedding, will go smoothly- as planned, and their parents will always have a healthy life and never see the inside of a rehab-assisted living home. 

I guess you could say my life worked with a two-thirds chance of success.  Mom offered college, she paid for my wedding, but I faced her going to a rehab twice.  May life be for most of us, happy and with decisions that are easier, not the choices that no one should ever have to make.

Monday, March 7, 2011

The Worm Fiasco

We opened the tent flap to find a wriggling mass of worms strewn across the tent floor and crawling inside a bag of Doritos. My planned snack had become a buffet for lunch happy worms.  Hysterics are followed by giggles.  Rain pours down on our heads.  With a disgusted shake of his head, dad grunts and turns away.  We follow, a soggy mess of humans.  The pea-green station wagon sniffs out a motel and another adventure -gone wrong- finds us in the beautiful moutains of Cherokee, N.C..  http://www.cherokeemountain.com/

We'd had a wonderful time that day, looking at local scenery. Trees with leaves as bright as the green giant, and as tall too.  People, open smiles, welcome to strangers that were just passing through.  The rain, forecaster of a sodden day, had us heading towards our tent and the promise of an end to the driving rain.  The opened tent flap revealed other local residents-not so polite-but definitely willing to share the warmth and the feast of an opened bag of Doritos.

Mom and I had giggled and giggled.  Dad had been frustrated.  Nothing worse than a vacation gone bad.  We'd ended up having a fun time- still.  Not all vacations have to stop being an adventure because something goes wrong.  That in itself can be an adventure.  Where will we stay?  Where is the next motel that's not filled to capacity?  Where are the restrooms, I really have to go! When do we eat- the worms ate my snack.

Over the years many things have brought fond memories to mind.  This is one of them.  I can still feel  the cold drops of rain on my head, before they slide down my neck.  I can still feel the hysteria, the bubbling of laughter, as hundreds of worms had taken over the safe haven we had been running to, at the end of our day.  The worm fiasco is one of my fondest memories for this was a time of adventure, of laughter, a time of togetherness for our family.

In the end this adventure led me to realize life is one adventure after another, whether we have things go the way we want them to or not.  We can giggle about it- as mom and I did- or we can turn away in frustration as dad did.  Either way life will go on in the pattern that it's meant to go in.  I think of the worm fiasco, sometimes, when I need life to balance out.  When I picture those wriggling worms in my Doritos bag again, I break into gales of laughter and all is right with my world once more.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Change That Can Help

The wind sighs through the trees, gray clouds ride on the tail of a storm front.  I sit here now, cozy, feet up, watching the cursor blink happily from my laptop.  As I sit listening to hail plonking down on my roof, I think of what others might not have.  The homeless, shoulders hunched, heads uncovered, hair flapping in wild abandon, eyes watching the ground as one step turns into millions that last a lifetime. Their chances in life are slim, as they are seldom seen- often the forgotten.

What's to become of this world in the near future?  People are without jobs, without money to pay the bills. Just how far are each of us from someone coming to repo our car in the middle of the night?  How far away are we -like in Happy Gilmore- from someone coming to take away our grandma's home? Or even our own home?  We can't afford to think that won't happen to us because each of us, could lose our job, or succumb to health issues.  We are all one step away-if bad luck strikes-from being homeless ourselves.

A person down on their luck -most times- can't get back on their feet either.  If you don't have a home address how can you get a job?  How can you get a driver's license, or a car for that matter?  How can one even dream of owning a home?  The tired old feet-of the homeless- would have to do, and heaven forbid if you have problems with your feet.

So where does that leave us, as a society, that's prided itself always on helping others and many times overlooking the needs of our own poor and homeless?  It leaves us in bad trouble and in desperate need of change.  Change that can help us as a nation.  Change that can somehow help the very people we see in trouble around us.  Change that can give the homeless a home.  Change that can give hope to the hopeless, and hope to someone that could very well -someday- be one of us.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Conqueror Of Lands

From the beginning of time man's explored vast lands filled with untold riches.  Exotic forests with wild animals in every imaginable color of the rainbow.  Gurgling streams to roaring rapids with waterfalls dropping off in a wild spray of beauty and death, to the unwary.  It was then that this thirst came upon man, mouth watering and yet dry as dust.  This was man's first glimpse into lands of untold riches,and his endless struggle with land, power, and untold wealth was born. He became the conqueror of lands.

Who can say when this first started ,but man's need to explore probably came about in a need to find food to feed his family and to survive.  It was then -as time progressed- that man first discovered power in the form of land.  Through time man learned to feed his livestock and roamed -in the land of plenty- to feed his animals. From there good intentions turned to greed, and greed to wars for more wealth and power.

Much has changed since pre-historic man raised his club or grunted for all his needs to be met, but man still has that need to explore, to acquire more land, to find untold riches.This drive was necessary in man, for without that drive, lands would not have been discovered, wealth wouln't have been found, and we probably wouldn't be as advanced as we are today -either.

So even though this drive, this need to explore and own things has caused the deaths of many, it was a necessary evil. Through man's drive-to be the conqueror of lands- we have many of the things we have today from medicines, to the very trees that built our homes.  Modern man, docile on the outside, but ever the conqueror of lands, on the inside.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Depends On How You See It

Playful ribbons entangle her fingers and fragrant flowers engulf her in a wave of love.  Crystal drops splash down her face, but radiant smiles deny that she feels any sadness.  Hugs make me feel I've given a ticket to the lottery, though they were but mere flowers.  "Don't give me flowers when I'm gone, give them to me now when I can enjoy them." whispers to me from the past.  I smile-at these memories- as I place a glass vase of roses at the headstone of my mom's grave today. 

She can no longer smile, she can no longer show me the love she felt, but her love lives on in my heart, in my memories.  Today, over four months since mom died, and I can only leave a symbol of my love, for nothing else can be done.  But I know if she's looking down on me, mom's smiling.   For Valentine's Day-the day of love and being loved- meant so much to her.

There are many forms of love, a mom's love, a child's love, love between husband and wife, to girlfriend and boyfriend.  But which love is greater?  Is there such a thing as a greater love?  I guess that depends on how you see it. 

Are you a mom who loves your children more than anything?  Then that love started before they were born, growing greater as the years go by, and you'd do anything to bring them happiness. And heaven help the person that tried to harm our kids, for a mommy bear coudn't match the protective anger we'd show.

How about the love a child feels for their mom?  That starts from the first time a baby tracks their mom with their eyes and continues even as they grow older and start forming their own brand of independence.  Even as a child will say "No I don't want to hold your hand" they will also look back to see if your following.  They will always turn to you for answers, and you will always hold a special place in their heart, even when they move on and have a family of their own.

The husband and wife- if it is the marriage of a lifetime- look too, to each other for everything.  They share special looks, thoughts, complete each other sentences, and if one passes before the other, they spend those last few years lost, for it is impossible to function without ones' other half.  For that half-is an extension of themselves, and without that other half, they, like most things in nature, whither away and eventually die.

Then lastly, we have the boyfriend and girlfriend.  Is there anything more special than first love?  That love where you feel like crying when they go home. When you count the seconds until you see them again. That torment, that tiny form of dying, if they move on and meet someone new? This is probably-first love-the most wonderful, exciting and yet painful, if things go wrong.

 So is any one love more important than the other?  One more special than the other?  Again, I guess that depends on how you see it. But all love, all expressions are just as important and true love is how we each see it and that's all that matters.

So in conclusion love your family, and those that are special- for each person- is a memory for our hearts and these memories will last a lifetime.  And they're memories that can never, ever be taken for granted.

 I nod -at these last thoughts- and turn to leave mom's headstone to go home.  I can still see her smiling face, her fingers tangled in the ribbon, and her head bent over the roses. It's not enough but it's what I have.

Monday, February 7, 2011

It's Called Love

The other day I put my daughter in her car seat so that we could head to art class and  I got such a feeling of love, that it made me grin.  The maternal instinct is strong, stronger than any steel.  It is the supreme power, of a mere mortal, the mom.  I remember years ago my mom told me"I love you all-her kids-in a different way from your dad."  Before I had my daughter -this unknown- this comment left me scratching my head.

But I learned, in time, that the love you feel for your child starts from the time they are but a thought, not yet a being.  We feel that love from the time the concept is born in our minds.  With the growing of that thought, a tickle forms in our stomach, an unknown ache forms in our heart, and we smile at all we see around us.  This in a sense, is the beginning of motherhood.

A test at the doctor-or in my case, a pregnancy test-starts a strong bonding of love, that will last a lifetime.  I rubbed my stomach, and talked to my daughter and listened to music, through my entire pregnancy.  We-my unborn daughter and I-shopped for baby clothes, bought her baby crib, and oohed and ahhed the many items that would eventually fill the little one's room.  This was- the unknown to me, the dance of love- that my mom had told me about, so many years ago.

I can almost hear my mom now, she would have said, "It's Called Love".  It's this driving force that's motivated all that I've done-since my daughter was but a thought in my mind-over nine years ago.  We've gone through sickness-vomiting, diarrhea, burning fever, struggles to eat food, struggles to take medicine, to cut fingernails, to be polite, and each day I'd do it all again, for my goal is for my daughter to be healthy, safe, happy and to enjoy all that God has planned for her life.

Many years ago, my mom told me, that before my twin brother and I were born a bright light appeared outside her bedroom window, she then heard a voice say "You will keep the girl".  My mom never doubted for one minute that this wasn't an angel and she always had faith that I would live. My mom's faith and love in me continued- up until the day she died.

I feel this same faith today, as mom had for me, for I know that God has much in store for my daughter. I feel that same maternal instinct-love strong as steel-which will continue, as moms did for me, until the day I die. I think that love can squeeze our heart -so hard sometimes, that it almost hurts- and as I sit here now I can almost hear my mom's angelic voice whispering...."It's Called Love."

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

She's Gone, Move On

Sometimes I feel better and other days the passing of my mom hits me all over again.  It's taken baby steps just to realize that she will no longer be a part of my life.  In my heart she still lives, and in my heart she will remain, so when someone told me the other day, "She's gone, move on", I think, how is it possible to be so cavalier about this? We can't just rip out what we felt about that person,they will always be a part of our life, our heart, our very soul.

Of course, I realize that each person in life sees the grieving process and the ability to move on in different ways, some move on with life at a pace that might shock others, others continue those deeds-started by their lost loved ones-, to continue bringing happiness to others, and others still remain in a state of stasis, a kind of suspended animation, if you will, until the world seems to kick back into gear again for them.

So in many ways -I guess you could say- I've remained in suspended animation.  Oh I've continued with the day to day things, I've continued cleaning, cooking, homeschooling, socializing, my schooling, as well as writing, but the real me inside, the one that used to joke, give advice and worry about others-well that part seems to be out for an unknown length of time.

So, we each have to deal with death in our own way, but I don't think those that can move on so quickly, should expect those-still continuing to hurt-to move on at the same pace.  We can no more rip out the pain we feel inside-at a moment's notice- than the sky can be lowered if we want to see the stars more clearly in the night time sky. It's just impossible. And besides, our loved one, so real in life, can't be made so forgettable, to others, just because they think we should have moved on by now.  Never should we hear, "She's gone, move on."

So, in closing, I know life will go on for us, but each-dealing with death- in our own way. We, each, just continue on living like the mountains, strong and ever present, just in that little ledge on the mountain-we carry, in our heart-the memories, and the laughter, and the very echoes of  that loved one-that will always hold a special place in our lives. This we never have to get over and move on with, this we keep close and always cherish.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Could It Have Been Any Worse............

Profanity such as, "balls", "damn", and "shit", riddled the dialogue, of this terrible movie I went to see the other day, called The Green Hornet. This travesty, will be a living nightmare for me always.  This was one of the worst jokes, that I won't ever consider a "movie", and it's something that should never have been made in the first place.

The original Green Hornet starred Bruce Lee, and in my memories, it didn't in any way resemble the mess I saw the other day.  Not only were imagination and thought left out of the writing, but the acting was terrible too.  The martial arts action -performed by Cato- was the only thing worth watching, but even his mouth needed to be put in the washing machine.

Don't get me wrong-sadly in this day and age-I am very well aware that cussing is the norm for everything from cartoons, to comedies on t.v., to movies with action, or action suspense, but the non-stop cussing with every beat of their heart-in the Green Hornet-well that was just pure stupid, and I'm pretty sure I've seen rated R movies with less cussing.

I grew up in a very strict household and my mom and dad were very particular about what movies we could see, so when I took dad to see this movie, it was in hopes that he would really enjoy it.  I came out of the movies feeling terrible and I know movies won't be something that he and I do as a family together, again.

I seriously doubt I'll go to many movies myself -no matter how much someone wants to see it-if I don't check the viewer's comments again,before going. And this is something I really hate for I'm an avid moviegoer.  I think people will be more cautious about movie going -as time goes on- and this will cause the movie industry to take a big hit in their pockets, if things don't improve, for I know many people who are disgusted with the way movies are going too.

So could it have been any worse? Well if I had seen previews for a whole year of similar movies then I guess I would have felt even worse.  But I still think there is hope for moviegoers.  If we let our voices be heard, as in saying, "Give me quality, action and leave out the junk.", I think movie writers will listen.  For without moviegoers there would be no movies.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Wrinkles Of The Wise

Wrinkles of the wise.  What is this you might ask?  It's one of our greatest, most under-appreciated natural resources.  It's our own elderly loved ones, friends, and associates that have vast amounts of knowledge, memories, and history- if we'd only ask for it. Our elderly, like old buildings lovingly taken care of, are our history, and if ignored, our own past could be lost forever.

Years ago, my grandmother often told me stories of being on wagons and riding long distances to get to places, and being the typical teenager, that I was at that time, I think "snooze ville" here, and I never paid attention.  Gone now are my chances to learn, not only of past history, but my families history as well, for my grandmother has long since passed on.  Now I live with regret, a rich history has been lost, slipping through my fingers like sand.

I have grown up since then but there is nothing that makes me feel better about the empty places inside me, the places where my family heritage is a blank, where tidbits, that I could have learned -are now gone forever.  I do know I am distantly related to Robert E. Lee, that I am of Cherokee, German and Spanish decent, but this is just enough to just make me wish I knew more, and still the regret lingers on.

I often look at those pictures of the elderly -in black and white photos-and I wonder what knowledge do they have to impart to others?  And I look at my own life.  Will I have all the answers that my daughter will wonder about -concerning family- someday?  Will she know all that she can about family history now that so many of our loved ones have passed on?  No, sadly I don't think she will.  Is this something that could have been fixed?  Yes and no.

So this thinking has brought me to these conclusions; yes I should have listened to my grandmother more, yes I should have asked more questions, but did I?  No.  Would I have if I could turn back time?  Being the young teenager that I was then-at 14 years of age-probably not.  But I can do this, I can tell my daughter this, that the "Wrinkles Of The Wise" hold vast amounts of knowledge, and that being said we should always listen to our elders.  They are our past, our present and very importantly, they are -through history and lessons on life-our very future.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Dangerous Conditions

I don't think I'm as thoughtful, or as much in need to express myself as I am on days like today, when I find myself housebound, as it's snowed all day, and now the night has heralded the arrival of a  new dangerous element-sleet.  I find myself blogging more than usual in an effort to stave off worry as my loved ones still have a long journey back home on sleet covered roads.

With this sleet that's coming down, I think of the many times that I too, was at mercy to these same said elements, so I know-first hand- how dangerous these conditions can be.  I've played chicken with a building, another car, and a creek in my need to slide across some of that frozen stuff -when I myself had the misfortune to be caught out driving in sleet.

I am grateful that I don't have to chance the elements like I did for years and I wonder, how, as a kid did I ever find sleet and snow so fascinating?  Now I am biting my nails in worry as I know both my brother and my husband have over an hours drive to get home in sleet that coming down at a steady clip now.

Years ago my husband and I were driving towards the mountains when we got caught in a bad rain storm.  This guy was zigzagging through the traffic behind us and eventually he continued this erratic driving as he passed us as well.  It was not too long before I saw him wipe out and head off of the road towards the woods to the right of the highway. 

So I have to ask myself, any condition where the road is slick, where we can wipe out too, why do people not take it more seriously?  I know, of course, there are people that have to work and employers, unfortunately, who don't always respect the elements, and expect you to drive in sleet and snow anyway, but what about those people who don't have to be out in this weather?  What about the people who don't think you can wreck easily?  These are the people we have to worry about the most when out driving in dangerous weather conditions.

I've not made myself feel any less stressed because I have been reminded again about -Dangerous Conditions-when driving in inclement weather, but I do feel better knowing this, my husband and my brother are very cautious drivers, and with God helping steer their vehicles- they will make their way safely home again.

Nothing Lasts Forever

I was on the main drag-of an area filled with restaurants along that road-awhile back, and I saw something that made me smile as I was getting ready to pull out of a Wendy's.  There was an elderly man-back bent with age-who slowly trudged around to his wife's side of the car, and then he slowly opened the door for her.  First of all, today, you don't often see anyone opening doors for their other half- so that caught my attention- but also his endless patience and obvious love for her, well that almost brought tears to my eyes.

So when you see things like this,and know it does exist,- that eternal love, that lasting love-why then do people always say nothing lasts forever?  Why then do marriages not last longer?  My mom always said "Marriage is like a garden, and you have to keep pulling the weeds."  But what if there are so many weeds you can't see where your walking anymore?  What if the weeds are gone but you don't see your other half anymore once the weeds are cleared?

So what's the secret to marriages that last as long as the one I saw that day?  Where you make it to old age and your backs bent over, but in your eyes, that man or woman is as beautiful as the first day you met them?  What makes that old heart sing when the beats are slower now, but your love makes that heart beat as sure and strong as it had when you were younger?

Everything would have to go back I guess- to the moment you first met.  That first time your eyes connected and you said to yourself wow! would you look at that?  That first time you wanted to race to that person, get him or her before someone else did. 

And when you got married you couldn't wait for the end of the day to see them again.  Having to tell them bye each morning was like taking your heart out of your chest and sending it off with them each day.  You think I'm kidding, I'm sure, but in a way -literally- I felt that when I first got married.  I've still got that crazy, wild beating heart, it's just calmed now with life, a wee one, school and the responsibilities that come along in life.

I've heard, from family, that in time that crazy love goes away, that in time we-spouses, etc. become more like good friends.  But do I want to be just good friends?  Don't I want to have that strong bond, that love eternal-racing heart in tow-like that elderly couple I saw that day?  Yes, friendships good, but it's the racing heart that I want, that trapped beast, that's like a lions roar,one that states this is love! 

So is it true that nothing is everlasting?  Maybe some things.  But true love, strong love, now that is eternal, that is everlasting.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

An Endless Struggle

From the time we are born the aging process begins.  It's insidious, persistent and with the first sign of wrinkles- the race is on. Some may age more gracefully, but others, like myself, try every potion known to man-kind in hopes of finding that magic elixir, that cure, that will make those old crows feet hop right off of our faces.  I'll feel sure that some new potion worked, but on closer examination the mirror will say not so!

My mom often thought my relentlessness concerning wrinkles was funny, she'd say "We are what God meant us to be" in other words let the wrinkles come on and the white hair with it.  I've never listened to that advice though, hence the money out the window for magic wrinkle cures and the fried hair from all the years of hair color.

I often regret the years I did not listen to mom about putting on moisturizer, but every young person-including the one that I was at one time- scoffs at the possibility of wrinkles and getting old.  Of course there are many things that go along with aging but I'll not get into that too much.  Why bring myself down talking about what gravity does to the old body?  Who wants to hear that our chests and rears will someday be dragging the ground at the same time?   Or that on the day we get our new dentures our hearing might go out and we won't hear how much the dentures will cost us?

Of course not all things that involve aging have bad connotations that go along with it.  One good thing about aging is that- those such as myself- you can always be relied on to give good advice, and I always seem to have an extra buck lying around.  I'm also known to be reliable, and wise beyond my years, and I always seem to have all the answers, of course, I am not going to tell the unenlightened that that is not so, if I have to have wrinkles at least let me be wise in my old age.

So I guess I've come to the conclusion then that aging is an endless struggle that even the youngest and the strongest -must face- at some point in their lives.  Can we fight this evil, these wrinkles, this defeater of our own bodies?  No, we cannot.  But we can age gracefully-carrying our endless magic potions for our face around- and try to find a peace of mind through meditation and loving the person that we all some day will become.

So each and every one of us is as my mom said "Older but like a fine wine, better with time."  So lets raise a  glass in toast to each new wrinkle.  Raise that glass up now...You will not defeat us oh mighty wrinkles, we will laugh in your face-not too much though- wrinkles there,and as we each raise up that glass, feel ourselves becoming finer, finer like a wine- with time.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Family Dynamics

I tried to think if dynamics was the word I wanted to use for what I thought about my family and the things we've been going through lately.  Dynamics actually means-energetic, active, potent, powerful, lively, spirited-among other things and I thought, yes, this is what I want to use.

Because the family, is the lively, spirited part of us that keeps us going in times of sorrow, they are there for guidance and support and to love us in all that we go through in life.  Like that movie "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly". They see us when we smile, laugh and cry.  They are there when we act up, go through our rebellious years, and the years when we -for whatever reason- think we are fine if they are not ever-present in our lives.

I've often wondered-as our family is a small unit-what it's like to have a big family?  One where they have big gatherings every year and family comes from hours away, to play games, eat a family feast, and laugh and chat about things that have happened- since they last saw each other.

I've never had that.  So I am often curious about that.  We had the big Thanksgiving dinners but with time people passed away, got divorced until our unit became small-about 15 people for Thanksgiving dinners each year.  And now with the passing of my mom, one less.

So I guess- in a way- I wonder how can there can be unrest in a family, when family is so important?  What happens where families fall apart?  What happens where a person feels so alone that he or she cannot turn to their family for help in times of need?  Of course I do understand all families are not close for whatever reason.  And that being the case, maybe a member of the family -that's maybe drifted away- might feel they cannot come back into the fold- if they need help.

So all my thoughts come back round to the same thing after thinking about this a bit.  Families, big, small, or hardly there at all are all just as important.  For each family member is the glue that keeps the family unit together. We need that family dynamic like we need the air to breath, the water to drink, and sleep to be restored.  So go hug a family member today for they are-one could say-our energy, our power and our spirit.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Unknown

I was watching a show on the supernatural tonight and I started thinking about what makes us so drawn to the unknown.  Why do we watch things with such interest even as the hair is standing up on our arms and our hearts beat in alarm?  Are any of the things we feel linked to our past ancestors?  Some would say yes, others, absolutely not.

So are we any different from the pre-historic men and women of so long ago?  I'd like to think so but what is it that causes a man or woman to get angry when someones tries to take their mate away from them?  That urge to pee, if you will, on our partner?  That urge to bare our teeth at those that are a little too chummy with our loved ones? 

Of course I can think of an ex or two that I probably would have thrown at someone if they had showed interest in them- years ago.  In those cases the urge to fight, to protect, to keep them- probably was not there. 

In that same vein what makes us want to maybe snatch that last piece of pizza up, especially when we're real hungry, when maybe our other half is giving that last slice the eye?

Some would say that's just greed. But let's go back to our ancestors.  During the time maybe when there was little food to be found.  When the need to maybe eat a lot, kept them from being hungry, maybe a little bit longer?  I'd like to think, hopefully, that we've evolved from that place, that stage in time. 

But just to have food for thought, watch the protective guy or gal next time someone is staring at their mate too long, or being too flirty.  Watch the reaction next time you want that last piece of pizza and your dinner guest grabs it first.  For just a second did your bare your teeth at them?

So maybe the unkown is cause for more thoughts.  Are we like the ancestors of our past?  Is that why the unknown draws us like a moth to a flame?  Were our ancestors drawn to the unknown even as they may have been frightened of it?  Hence the protectiveness, lips drawn in a snarl? They were, like us maybe, protecting what we have from the unknown, which may even include ourselves.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Dreams For New Year

I took my daughter to see Yogi Bear yesterday and it was the funniest movie I've seen in awhile.  I really enjoyed the humor, the colors and how real Yogi and Boo-Boo seemed to be even though I knew they weren't.

I think that this was a very good ending to a year that has been really bad for me.  It ended with laughter, friendship and the hope for a new and better year.  So last night and today I will allow the end of all bad thoughts and feelings and I will enter into my mind thoughts of new ideas, new dreams, things that I hope to achieve this year.

I hope to finish my graphic design assoc. degree program, I hope to see my daughter excel in her studies for this year, I hope to sell at least five articles this year-will accept more on this of course-and I hope to show all my friends that they are truly appreciated.

What are your hopes, your dreams, your goals for this year?

Please feel free to leave your thoughts on here if you'd like to.